hurting a bit....

its funny, a few years ago, i heard this song and for the life of me, i couldn't relate to it, i didn't pay much attention but i thought it was just about the "singer"
today, i was looking for a song on youtube because i heard it was good and i stumbled upon the other song again. and because i now have ALOT more respect for said singer and i read somewhere that he dedicated this to his wife (im a sucker for that kind of thing) i listened to it again. i didnt even make it through the first verse without LITERALLY starting to cry (something i dont do much AT ALL) in this song, the singer (actually, i should say rapper, but i dont wanna...lol) talks about how it is to be missing someone and, i sure know how that feels, dont i? Lee has been gone for 1 year 1 week and 6 days, i dont have to mention all that he's missed, our son took his first steps a few days ago and his father had to ask for a PICTURE of it. its been hard for both of us.
i came to the realization that, every once in a while, it is ok for me to cry. what's sad is that, someone had to write a song about it for me to get it. but i guess it feels good to know that im not the only one dealing with this.
when i first heard this song, i remember i was in Spring Lake (NC, right near ft. bragg) at the "Rhino" (video game store, aka my second home during that time)
and my husband was deployed. that deployment was very hard on our relationship. i guess i was too young to deal with it. i don't wanna get into too much, lets just say that things went pretty bad and it almost ended our marriage. it took us almost a year to recover from it and we might not ever have recovered from it if i hadn't gotten pregnant, which really changed EVERYTHING (in a good way) anyway,i just wanna say that i love my husband and i miss him a lot.
i wish i was better at showing it. most people think i don't care, that i don't hurt inside. even that im cold. thats not true. i hurt. i just cant show it well and to be honest, i dont wanna feel it. so pretend that i dont.
hearing this song, tore down this wall with just these simple words:
it's hard to be away from each other. it's hard.

forgive the emotional outpour, i just needed to say this.
thanks for reading.


Christina said...

I'm sorry your feeling sad B. Hope it gets better soon. It is okay to cry, you don't have to be the strong one all the time. ((((hugs))))

Alicia said...

I don't think you need to show it. I can't even imagine having to be apart from someone you love for so long. Not showing it is a defense mechanism; you're getting through the days the way you know how. No one should chastise you for the way you go about it; it's your life after all.

I hope the emotional outpour and the good cry helped a little. We all need to do that once in a while. Not for anyone else; just for yourself.

Bia said...

thanks alicia. thing is, i onla blog about because it helps me. i have a couple of things in here that i wrote when i was upset, but didnt publish. this one i thought was ok to share tho!

Lisa said...

You're doing really good. It's really hard, but you're handling it very well. Crying is okay. It helps every once in a while to let it all out. After you're done, it's easier actually to focus on what you need to do. And he won't be there forever. It'll be over soon and he'll be home. You just have to keep chugging along and give into those emotional times. They're really good for you.

Bia said...

i feed my blog to my mayasmom.com journal, and this is what someone therer said (i thought it was so awesome that i decided to add it as a comment on here too:

I would hug you if we were in the same room. I don't show my hurt to anyone but my husband - it's just a thing to me, but I don't let anyone else see me cry. And what you allude to as the difficult time in your relationship - I wonder if it's the same thing as what happened with us. That hard time is part of our relationship and so it will be with us always, but the thing is, knowing we might have missed out on this - well, I almost laugh, because what idiots we would have been to let it go. When it's good, it's good - you forgive, you love, you hold tight. You look at your little baby boy, and know that he is here, alive, walking, laughing, because you and Lee love each other. Everything you're feeling is exactly right - do not beat yourself up for it.

that was "boob mom" by the way. she totally rocks.

Sara said...

#1 - Love Fort Minor
#2 - Got a little teary eyed myself during the song, which I have heard 100's of times. My husband doesn't get deployed, but I still get the feeling you describe every time he walks out the door for work. What could happen today? Why is he not here when I need him? Why does it always seem so hard? When will it feel like we're really together?

It's tough but we get through it because we have to. Crying is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of coping.

Thanks for sharing this.