hurting a bit....

its funny, a few years ago, i heard this song and for the life of me, i couldn't relate to it, i didn't pay much attention but i thought it was just about the "singer"
today, i was looking for a song on youtube because i heard it was good and i stumbled upon the other song again. and because i now have ALOT more respect for said singer and i read somewhere that he dedicated this to his wife (im a sucker for that kind of thing) i listened to it again. i didnt even make it through the first verse without LITERALLY starting to cry (something i dont do much AT ALL) in this song, the singer (actually, i should say rapper, but i dont wanna...lol) talks about how it is to be missing someone and, i sure know how that feels, dont i? Lee has been gone for 1 year 1 week and 6 days, i dont have to mention all that he's missed, our son took his first steps a few days ago and his father had to ask for a PICTURE of it. its been hard for both of us.
i came to the realization that, every once in a while, it is ok for me to cry. what's sad is that, someone had to write a song about it for me to get it. but i guess it feels good to know that im not the only one dealing with this.
when i first heard this song, i remember i was in Spring Lake (NC, right near ft. bragg) at the "Rhino" (video game store, aka my second home during that time)
and my husband was deployed. that deployment was very hard on our relationship. i guess i was too young to deal with it. i don't wanna get into too much, lets just say that things went pretty bad and it almost ended our marriage. it took us almost a year to recover from it and we might not ever have recovered from it if i hadn't gotten pregnant, which really changed EVERYTHING (in a good way) anyway,i just wanna say that i love my husband and i miss him a lot.
i wish i was better at showing it. most people think i don't care, that i don't hurt inside. even that im cold. thats not true. i hurt. i just cant show it well and to be honest, i dont wanna feel it. so pretend that i dont.
hearing this song, tore down this wall with just these simple words:
it's hard to be away from each other. it's hard.

forgive the emotional outpour, i just needed to say this.
thanks for reading.


water in the basement......

took me a bit to find the time to write this.... lemme tell you about the probably wettest week of my life (excluding the time i flooded my kitchen almost every day because my washer broke, but thats a whole other story...)
sunday night, i put little stinker too bed. all was quiet and it started to rain outside so i thought to myself, better get the plug on that pipe that the water from the washer drains into... so i did that. i was getting ready for a nice evening of practicing my drawing, working on my basement and listening to (very) loud music. just burned a mixed CD with some old demos and B-saide tracks from LP, plus some of my favorite songs. got done carrying lots of stuff downstairs (like 4 trips up and down including my laptop) and on my final trip, the last step off the stairs, i step in (you guessed it) 1/2 inch of water. i can hear the water rushing out of the pipe in the other room over my music. FUCK. so i run and try to close the damn thing again, unfortunatly the plug got blown out of the pipe and was somewher behind the washer or dryer, which at this point were standing in almost a foot of water. FUCK. so what do i do...?i panic of course....lol
well, no actually i called my mom. she says, turn off the power in the basement. me: "i would love to, unfortunatly i dont know WHERE to turn it off. the only power switches i know of in this house are upstairs and those only work up there. she says, call 911 (german equivalent anyway, you get the point) me: why dont you do that while i try to find a way to close that fucking pipe. she says, whats the number 115, right? WHHHAAAATTT???? its 112 EVERYONE knows that. theres no such thing as 115. anyway, i go down and stuff a towel in the pipe (it helped, plus the rain was stopping so the water was slowing down anyway) 3 minutes later, she calls me back and says the firefighters are on their way. (this was around 7 or 8 pm btw) so a few minutes later they show up. at some point before this my brother came by to "help" but since he is absolutley no help whatsoever, his presence is hardly worth mentioning (he did fix my laptop, only took him 3 months) anyway, theres like 12 guys in my house, ranging from 15 to old. one was cute but i only saw him for a second. they pupmed the water out of the basement which took forever (i could have done it with a freaking bucket in the same amount of time, not to mention with 12 guys and a freaking fire engine....) so they are done, they leave and i have a huge mess to clean up. it sucked and i dont really feel like reliving it right now, i did make a video the next day, after i had already rescued alot of the stuff in there.

basement from bianca long on Vimeo.

i didnt speak on the video becuase i might need it for my insurance so i wasnt sure if i should speak english or german so i opted for neither. short explanation, the first room didnt get flooded too badly (1 1/2 inches maybe) and all the stuff on the bed is what i rescued from the other room. then in the next room, the stuff on the ironing board is stuff that got wet that im still hoping to be able to salvage when it dries. the stuff in the middle is all ruined. the stereo made a really funny bubbling noise before, cant hear it too well on the video tho. the stuff on the left i havent worked my way throu yet anmd at the end, that hose behind the washer, thats what caused the flooding. it rained so hard that the water dirty (nasty, stinky) water came back the other way. there was a lid on it, but the pressure was so high that it got blown off.

(the above description is what i posted when i posted the video on MM)
anyway,tuesday morning a frind of mine from my FRG (family readiness group) came by and helped me get the rest of the stuff out and put it in the garage for now (thank you Sean!). well, by helping i mean, he did it and i watched Lee and made coffee. there really wasnt that much left to get out anyway.
since then i cleaned it all up, repacked some of the stuff and its looking much better. unfortunatly i had to take the carpet out of "my" room, which means the music doesnt get "absorbed" as well but it was still wet and starting to smell, so i cut it in 2 halves and brought it upstairs. its currently drying in the driveway...lol (its 11 pm).i also have to keep the windows open to let the moisture escape, so no loud music for me. well until today that is. i NEEDED to "relax" (yes, i find singing alond to extremely loud music while playing POGO relaxing) so i shut the windows, so i shut the windows and doors, brought my laptop (aka my best friend) and a shit-ton of candles down here. im hoping that this will A) dry up the air so the walls can dry and B) warm up the place cuz im FREEZING...lol
tomorrow my landlord is coming by and we'll figure insurance issues and stuff.
and on a more positive note, i recieved some stuff in the mail today and yesterday. today i got stuff i ordered from EMP.de (its a metal thing) which included some LP and rolling stones buttons for my purse (reliveing teenage times lol) a cute shirt for my son that i will take a pic of later and post here.


a shirt for myself (i might even post a pic of that, dunno yet)

AND MY LINKIN PARK POSTER that i NEED for my basement. im thinking of getting a metallica one and maybe Disturbed too, and im DEFINETLY taking down that kitten poster i put up for my mom when she was supposed to use the room (but didnt, only to smoke in, which annoyed me so i claimed it back) anyway (i get sidetracked to easily...) i think that was all that was in this box... oh yeah and i re-added 2 single CDs to my collection. i had these back whe they first came out, but because i moved so much since then, i lost them. ("in the end" and "papercut") but whats MUCH more interesting is what i got in my box yesterday (MMers, see my post in FAD....) from my dear friend Maria, who for some reason thought my wedding anniversary was in june (its august 28) so she bought me something........


and with this, i shall leave you. its late, im tired and FYI, no, i havent tried it out yet...lol



my music is WHAT?

The funniest thing just happened. my mom called me (thats not it! lol) and we were talking...blah blah blah....and she said, "you got good music there, are you in the basement?" --no, im at the computer, if i was in the basement i wouldnt have heard the phone or at least, the music would be so loud that we couldnt talk.
but aside from that. MY MOTHER SAID MY MUSIC WAS "NICE" bet you're wondering what i was listening too, huh? ok, so you proly already know.....lol it was LP of course. the beginning of "what i've done" to be exact.and she LIKED it. now this woman doesnt like anything rock related, she thinks the rolling stones are "heavy" and i cant even repeat the things she's said about metallica or rammstein. but i know why she is starting to like LP. ever since the concert (06-24) i have been playing LP (MTM mostly but not exclusively) on my computer 24/7. so when she's here she has no choice but to hear it, and i forced her to watch my video from the concert http://vimeo.com/1258422
and pointed out how f*cking awesome chesters voice is (she agreed!) and even said:
"wow, that sounds great for being live!"
and then of course theres the fact that the new album (minutes to midnight) is kinda "soft", yk? lots more singing, less screaming, (unfortunatly...lol) you get the point (at least i hope you do)
because i can clearly remember her saying some rather unpleasant things about LP back in the days of "hybrid theory".
who knows, maybe at 47 years of age its not too late for her to develop a good taste in music.....

oh and one more thing:
mom, no kudos to you......:D



you know how i said today is gonna suck because i didn't sleep at all last night? i know this is a rare occurrence but i was WRONG! lol i had an awesome day. i walked to the home improvement store near me (bout 2 miles) got some good pencils, paper, a multi outlet thing i needed for my basement project (cant tell you too much about it yet, but it will be awesome and i will post pics when im done) and some mini computer screwdrivers so i can fix my digital camera which is missing 2 screws since the LP concert last week. on my way back (bout half way) i found a little school supply store where i got most of the rest of my drawing utensils (i would give a detailed list but im not even sure what half those things are called in english and im SO not looking anything up right now) anyway, got everything i needed and made it back home by 10.30am. fed kid, put kid down for nap, took nap myself and suprisingly, after less than an hour, i was wide awake again. spent the afternoon f*cking around online (no new blogs from MS...*sniffle*) playing with my little angel and practicing my drawing a bit more (still suck, but that is why i practice) around 5pm i put Lee down for what i thought would be a nap, its now 10 pm and he's still out, so i guess he's out for the night. right around the time i put him to bed was also the time i noticed that the last time i ate was yesterday for lunch, a Peanut Butter sammich. but all the coffee ive been drinking made me so queasy that i still havent eaten. ive spent the last 4 hours in the basement, cleaning, moving sh*t, trying to "soundproof" the place (aka "stuffing sh*t in cracks") i repaired the desk i got from friends so now i can use it for drawing, hooked up my stereo (i wonder if my neighbors have the new LP album memorized yet....?) well, you get the point.now i just need to find away to get rid of all the spiders. i wanted to hang a german flag in one cornewr of the room, but because that corner happened to be the home to 3 relatively large arachnids, i decided to hang it somewhere else....
so tomorrow im heading to the home improvement store again to pick up stuff i need for my basement project. of course, i can only buy as much as i can fit in my stroller, so i might have to do a few more trips in the next couple of days.
i still cant believe i have so much energy left, but then, thats how i usually get when im over tired...well, i think is my bedtime now, Lee will proly get up early tomorrow.
take care!


its 2.38 am and im wide awake. i went to bed at 11.something and fell asleep ok, but then about an hour ago (i think, didnt actually check the time) i woke up and couldnt get back to sleep for the life of me, so i thought, hey, why not write something, get whatever is on your mind out of your system and maybe then you can sleep. coincidentally, the baby woke up too, so i had to give him a bottle (well, cup technically) we stopped the nighttime feedings a while ago, but the last thing i feel like dealing with right now is a hungry or thirsty baby. plus its really f*cking hot here, so its proly not such a bad idea for him to drink more, right?
soooo, i guess tomorrow is gonna suck.....lol
i spent half the night trying desperatly to figure out where the hell i can find an arts & crafts store in this stoopid city, because i really wanna start drawing more again, (i wrote another blog on this that i havent made public yet, maybe never will) but i cant without at least some basic supplies and buying it online is pretty expensive and i cant really judge the quality, ya know?
ome to think of it, the only arts & crafts store i remember seeing in this country was in mainz. i cant remember there being one in any of the other cities i lived in (and i've lived in quite a few for someone my age!). i think im gonna go eat something, maybe that'll help me sleep.................

or maybe i dont have much of an appitite or in any case im too lazy too chew right now, so i made myself some warm chocolate milk. i hope it helps....
if you havent caught on by now, this post is of absolutely no interest to anyone except me. its just me rambling about how i cant sleep.

im thinking that i might have overloaded my brain a little. the post i wrotw earlier today, used up alot of my brainjuice, but theres so much other crap on my mind that needs pondering. does anyone have any free brainspace they could lend me or rent out? aaawww come on, i know most of you barely use half of what you got, so why not let me have some of it? ;)
and, since im already asking the impossible, could someone sell me some time? like, maybe 2 or 3 extra hours per day? that of course, the baby would use for a long nap! (does he even qualify as a baby now that he's 1? proly not, but since hes neither walking nor talking yet, he's a baby to me)
ok, i dont think im capable of writing anything useful at this point, so im taking my chocolate milk and my sketchbook and going back to bed. i guess i'll just draw (with my crappy pencil) until i get tired enough to sleep. G'night all!
(it is now 3.08M)

its now 5.43 am, all my attempts to go to sleep have failed so i said f*ck it. im staying up, i guess today is REALLY gonna suck......
i have learned something tonight though, several things in fact:
1. after giving up coffee for a few months, my caffeine tolerance isnt what it used to be. (2 big mugs of coffee before bedtime=bad idea!)
2. candle light is BAD for drawing (DUH!)
3. cheap pencils are also VERY bad for drawing (same goes for cheap paper)
4.i can proly get some drawing utensils from the home improvement store near me, i know i saw some oil paint and stuff like that there, so im sure they have some friggin pencils and stuff, right? RIGHT?
5. lighting 20 something candles in a mid-sized room in the middle of summer, makes for a VERY warm room.
6. mixing 7 different scents of candles, including lemon pie, clean linen, moccha, strawberries and cream, vanilla and some other stuff, makes for a really strange odor.


stupid pic wont resize....ggrrrrrrr....
heres a pic of my bed this morning (this is very NEAT for me....lol) all those pencils are going in the trash TODAY. they SUCK. what a waste of 1.59 euro! (little over 2 dollars)


i just checked www.mikeshinoda.com, he just posted a new muxtape (http://mikeshinoda.muxtape.com/) so at least now i have something interesting to listen to while im trying to get through this day (wish me luck lol)
ok, gonna go get me some coffee and then try to find something productive to do....(yeah right lol)


sirens and silence

hey all,
so here it is, my first real blog. i will continue to personalize my page a bit more, add pics or whatever, but for now theres something im really excited about that i wanna share with you. not sure where to start....
some of my Maya'sMom friends who read my journals will know that i went to see a linkin park concert recently (06-24-08) and i REALLY loved it. It got me to start listening to linkin park again.....religiously... so like the good fan i am, i went online to check out the LinkinParkNetwork, i tried to join LPunderground but they wont accept my credit card (STOOPID APO!) i found the awesome widget you should be able to see somewhere here on my page and most importantly, i stumbled upon Mike Shinoda's Blog (www.mikeshinoda.com). i dont think i need to tell anyone that this guy is a friggin genius, but just in case, i'll do it anyway. Mike Shinoda is a friggin genius. so now you know.
on his page i discovered that, not only is he a musical genius, but he also paints. and pretty damn good. now im not particularly fond of art in general n(because i cant paint to save my life lol), but i can appreciate other peoples talent and vision. so very soon, Mr. Shinoda is gonna have an artshow (starting july 11th at the japanese american national museum in LA, if you live there GO! and take pics for me!) a few days ago he posted a video called "sirens and silence" here's the description he posted (and the video if i can figure out how to post it)

GLORIOUS EXCESS: SIRENS AND SILENCE Running Time: 13 minutes "A short film I shot and edited on tour, spliced with other footage i obtained. This is a visual compliment to the nine new paintings that make up my GLORIOUS EXCESS (BORN) art show, running from July 12 to August 3 at the Japanese American National Museum in Los Angeles. For directions to the show visit janm.org. For a sneak-peek at the art, visit mikeshinoda.com."

i really wanted to write down my thougths on the video. so here goes.
im watching the video as i write this.(watch the video before you read on or it wont make much sense)

the article at the beginning of the clip totally stunned me, not because it was all THAT exciting, but because it was almost the EXACT same thing i had recently written in my notebook (i write down random thoughts and later rip 'em up and throw 'em out) so after reading these thoughts, so similar to my own, the video had my full attention. i wasnt a big fan of the red carpet scenes, but then again, i stopped watching tv to avoid this kind of crap. and im still undecided on wether or not i like jessica alba. one of the great mysteries of this life.... the scene when he gets on a plane, made me laugh because i had to think of a clip of stewie (family guy) that i saw a few days ago (also on MS's blog) the view from the plane was breathtaking, reminded me of flying to germany alone with my cat...lol
the hotel room. i loved it. A) because it was a REALLY nice room and B) i have always LOVED staying at hotels (except maybe for a pretty sad experience i made when i was 15...) and that bed looked really comfy! and that view! i dont know what city it was but i love city lights at night! brings out memories of some of the places i lived.... (funny how much of this clip i can relate to my own life, even though its COMPLETELY different!)
now for the funny part: insomnia! oh how many nights have i spent sitting in front of the tv, watching those adds for what we call 0190 numbers (most of them start with different area codes now, but they used to all start with this one) the one in the video is pretty tame, nothing compared to "Sexy women over 60" or that kind of stuff (NASTY! LOL) but what really made me laugh was the music clip! Hier kommt die maus!? i havent heard that song in ages!! i never really liked it, but i gotta admit 2 things, the guy who sings it (stefan raab) is REALLY funny (has his own tv show, proly the most popular show in germany, called "tv total" and its funny as hell!) and the other thing i have admit is that, the show that the song is based on (it was written to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the show i think) called "die Sendung mit der Maus" (the show with the mouse, how original..lol) comes on every sunday at 11.30 (right before the sunday fairy tale, im such a dork) and i actually still watch it from time to time (its very educational! LOL, ten times better than any kids tv show i ever saw in the US) anyway, getting off the subject now (im good at that) back to the video...
something thats absolutely unimportant, but im gonna mention anyway is that im pretty sure this footage was shot pretty recently, because "ich hab dich lieb" is "Schnuffel's" new single. yeah, that creepy animated bunny, he's had a few songs before that one, all themed around lovey dovey-ness and cuddling and stuff, im not a cold person but this sh*t makes me gag. (one of the many reasons i dont watch tv anymore)
back to the video again, THE EVENT:
whats up with the screaming? seriously? i get screaming at the concert, you know, cheering, singing along that kind of thing (been known to do it myself, but not that high pitched girly screaming...well, maybe once or twice....) but when someone walks by, no matter how famous or good looking he/she is, i suppose screaming at them at the TOP OF YOUR LUNGS will not make them wanna come over and talk to you (JMO) but i guess its good lung exercise, so scream away..... but wait, it gets worse...
first thing i noticed was the little sign that said speed limit on those little cart thingies. made me smile because, well, lets just say it put a funny image in my head of the band members racing around in those things, running people over and stuff.... (i think i need to slow down on the caffeine for today...)
so we get on another plane, another hotel room..another beautiful view from the hotel window (dear mike, should you ever read this, which i doubt you will, next time you make a video, try to hold the camera just a tiny bit steadier, all that shaking is making me nauseous, or it could be the 2 big Mugs of coffee i just drank, proly both...)
at this point, i would really like to know what mike was thinking when he shot this. because this scene could be interpreted in so many ways. i see serenity, peace and quiet in this moment, coming into the room, away from the noise and the chaos of the hectic world out there. then again, if watched this scene on a day when im feeling sad, i would proly see loneliness, after all, who if not me knows how it feels to be seperated from your family, in a foreign country, you cant even call your spouse because they're in a different timezone and probably asleep right now.... but since im a cheerfull person, i dont wanna look at it that way and i dont like to think that thats what mike felt when he shot this.
the next article is oh-so-true. i could go into a full blown speech about why so many people think they NEED to be famous and why that is so rediculous yet understandable at the same time, how IMO its human nature to wanna be noticed, because, lets face it, if no one ever noticed us or acknowledged our existance, our lives wouldn't mean much and we'd probably lose it.... but i wont, because this isn't about me, this is about mike's video. :D
i like how the German voice over (whats up with all the german anyway, wasnt this shot in asia?) makes the "girls next door" sound even dumber and faker (is that even a word?) than they really are. and, i dont know if mike knew what they were saying (since you really couldnt make out the english words under the german) but that short clip fits well into the overall feeling of the video. (no i dont feel like translating because that would mean i'd have to listen to them AGAIN! an i dont feel like sacrificing anymore braincells today)

now this is were it gets uncomfortable. the bits about deranged fans. my Maya'sMom friends may remember the news link i posted a few months ago about chester (yes, the one from linkin park, such a coincidence..lol) who had a stalker who was sentenced to 2 years of prison and we all made our jokes about how we're gonna try to be less agressive and/or obvious in our efforts to stalk our favorite celebs...
we all wondered how people can get so obsessed (a word i use too lighly i think) with celebrities.
i mean, im sure we all have people that we admire and look up to, that inspire us and influence our lives. their art (be it music, photography, movies or any other form of entertainment) lifts us up or provides comfort. they give us so much of themselves, (yes, they get paid well for it, but thats not the point) so what gives us the right to demand even more?
ok, i think im rambling again. my hands are shaking, need more coffee...

ok, got fresh coffee, lets tackle the rest of the video before i fall into a caffeine induced coma, shall we?

see, this one is tricky.... the crazy fan screaming "chester i love you".....i can totally see her side of this. its not often that you get the chance to be this close to someone you admire (as im sure she does admire Chester and Mike and hopefully the rest of the band) and i guess in her mind, asking for an "autogram" (he he) isnt exactly a crime, on the contrary, it really is a compliment! and since she probably paid a few bucks for the bootlegged copies of hybrid theory, meteora, reanimation and mintues to midnight, she no doubt owns, she feels she has a right to get that autograph she so politely asked for. what she doesnt think about is that, Chaz, Mike and the rest of them just got off a plane, dunno how long they flew, they're exhausted (presumably) and really just wanna stretch thier legs a little, get to the hotel, maybe take a shower and eat a bite. they appreciate the love they're shown (im sure of this!), but they're being rushed onward by people, trying to get them out of there (the middle of an airport i proly not the safest or most comfortable place to be)and if they did stop to sign one autograph, they'd get swarmed by even more people. i understand the girls disappointment, i really do, but scraming "f*ck you" at them, was kinda uncalled for. thats something you say to your husband when he tells you that the dinner you cooked tastes like old ass...;) not something you scream at someone you claim to love, just because he doesnt obey your every wish (unless of course your married to that person, then its ok :))
i'm not a shy person per se, but i could NEVER walk up to a celeb and scream that i loved them. on the few occasions when i met a celeb (all german) you couldn't get a word out of me (shocker, huh?) this isn't so much me being shy, but more the fact that, no matter how familiar they are too me and how well i can relate to what they stand for, i realize that, to them, i am a stranger. and i know i wouldn't feel comfortable if a stranger came up to me and started acting like we are best friends, yk?
ok, if anyone actually read all of this, you deserve an award! lol and you will be rewarded for your patience! here's what Mike has to say about this video. (check him out at www.mikeshinoda.com!)

July 1, 2008 53 Comments

regarding the "SIRENS AND SILENCE" video i posted in the videos section: i wanted to have a little fun with you when i posted it, so i intentionally put it up with almost no description, and left it up for a few days in order to give you a chance to watch it, pass it on to friends, and post your thoughts about it. now that you've had a second to absorb, let me tell you more about it!

this piece, although based mostly on first-hand perspective footage, is not necessarily about me. in fact, i made a conscious effort to keep it the piece open to different "celebrity types"--i edited out a great deal of our faces, voices, and any LP related imagery (there's still a little bit, but not much) because i wanted it to be versatile; to be able to be applied to many different types of person who might have this experience.

this could be a piece about a movie star, a TV celebrity, a musician. it's about the frenetic pace, the travel, the potential for ups and downs, ego and depression, humor and darkness. i don't travel by private jet all the time, i don't stay in hotel rooms that look like the ones pictured all the time, and i don't get swarmed by fans at airports all the time. some people do...and this piece is about their lifestyle as much as it is a personal video journal (without the talking).

some of you commented that the piece gave you a feeling of "loneliness." i found that really interesting, because while some could say the hotel scenes looked cold, another might see the hotel scenes as the moments of peace and warmth. while the "insomnia" bit felt frustrating to some, others might see it as funny (i do!). that's what i love about a piece like this--a large portion of it is wide open for interpretation, and all of us project our own feelings and experiences into it.

i added the more obvious commentary to was the end, because that was a universal "be careful what you wish for" element, and it felt good with the door closing (which, again could feel like a warm escape from the insanity, but just as easily could feel dark and foreboding). the dynamic between the loud "siren" parts and the "silent" parts are what gave the piece its name.

enjoy...more to come this week, as we set up for the show!

now im gonna go post a comment on his blog and thank him for giving me something to ponder over the last few days. (i could go on wriiting forever, but Lee will wake up from his nap soon and i really need a shower, plus im sure you've read enough of my thoughts for one day...)
dont worry, more ramblings to come.